Connecting to Your Happy Child Mode: How to Actually Feel Like Yourself Again
What is the happy child mode in schema therapy, and why does it feel so hard to access? Learn what blocks us from accessing our inner happy child, as well as simple ways to reconnect with your own sense of playfulness.
There is a unique lightness that shows up when we find ourselves totally absorbed in a fun activity. Imagine things like playing with your pet, singing in the car to your favourite song, splashing in the waves at the beach, or practicing playful yoga poses. In schema therapy, this state of joyfulness is often known as the happy child mode. Unlike many other modes or “parts of self” that therapists often talk about, the happy child mode is actually something that we want to promote more of, rather than manage or heal.
What are modes in schema therapy?
If the phrase "happy child mode" is new to you, here is a short introduction:
In schema therapy, modes refer to the different “sides” or “parts” of ourselves that can get activated in different situations. They are temporary emotional states, and are made up of their own thoughts, feelings and behaviours. We can think of them as different channels that our nervous system tunes into to help us cope with our environment and navigate our day. We may have learned to use certain modes to cope with previously painful situations (e.g., developing a part of ourselves that switches off emotions and only focuses on logic when we feel vulnerable). Alternatively, certain modes may serve us well, but without boundaries and moderation, they can quickly take over and become exhausting (e.g., a side of ourselves that is perfectionistic and detail oriented, but can become over-controlling and unrelenting when left unchecked).
The happy child mode is a part of ourselves that feels safe and playful, and is free to exist without an agenda. This happy child side is not forced, but rather it emerges when our core needs are being met, and we are free to authentically connect with a sense of childlike wonder and joy.
What the Happy Child Mode Feels Like
The happy child mode is often described as a light and/or joyful experience, helping us to connect to a playful, younger version of ourselves. This connection to childhood does not mean that we are regressing, or that we are no longer an adult. Instead, it refers to the state of being unbothered/unselfconscious about how we may appear, with our sole focus on how it feels to be joyfully connected to a fun activity, much like a child. We are free of an inner critic’s commentary, and instead may feel as though we are in a flow state of immersion and mindfulness.
In our bodies, it can manifest as looseness in our shoulders or a sense of wholeness/connectedness within our chest. We may find it easy to laugh or smile and to simply be absorbed in the present moment. This happy child sensation is distinct from a sense of accomplishment that accompanies achievements. Instead, this happiness is derived directly from the safety to merely exist in the moment, rather than to perform or be productive.
Why This Mode Matters So Much
In schema therapy, the other child modes (including our vulnerable, angry or impulsive child parts), frequently attract more attention in the therapy room due to the distress that they may cause. The happy child mode, however, is ultimately a key piece in soothing and healing the wounds that these other child modes embody. A person in their happy child mode is a person whose core needs are being fulfilled in such a way that they are not in a fight/flight/freeze state. Connecting with our happy child is fundamentally regulating for our nervous system, as it rebuilds a sense of trust in our own capacity for ease and playful. These were often the very things that were eroded within a childhood that did not permit for space to simply be a child.
What Gets in the Way of Happy Child?
For a lot of people, connection to the happy child mode feels blocked or difficult to access.
Some people grew up with demands or responsibilities that did not allow space for playfulness or silliness (including children that were parentified, children that were taught to keep the peace in a turbulent family environment, or children that learned that their worth was conditional on achievements). These sorts of environments can directly inhibit children’s practice of playing/having fun without a purpose attached.
Others may have learned of the danger in letting their guard down, particularly if they grew up in an emotionally or physically unsafe environment. As such, any opportunities for carefree joy may have been overshadowed by a fight/flight/freeze response.
Finally, for some people, a “demanding” or “punitive” mode equates rest/play with wasted time or self-indulgence (which is super unfair!). This can then make the idea of relaxation feel like a rule being broken, instead of a valid need being met.
How to Reconnect With Your Inner Child (and invite them to play)
A common misconception about the happy child is that it involves a manufactured or disingenuous sense of fun on command. This is not the case, however, as instead we are aiming to build our understanding of the conditions that keep our happy child locked out so that we can gently make space for it to emerge on its own.
Notice what was previously fun before an emphasis on productivity took over.
A helpful place to start might be thinking back to childhood/adolescence, prior to falling into capitalism’s idea of monetised productivity. What did you do simply because it was fun? Examples might be things like drawing, bike riding, writing songs, craft, baking sweet treats. The goal here is to identify activities that do not ask anything of us other than to show up.
Make sure you feel safe enough in your environment to have fun.
The happy child will only feel safe enough to emerge when your nervous system feels calm. To ensure that this is the case, see if you can choose people to spend time with who you feel unconditionally accepted by. For neurodivergent individuals, this may be people you can safely unmask around. The idea is to be able to fully let your guard down and be your authentic self.
Give yourself permission to be unproductive.
Not every activity needs some kind of rationale or justification (examples: activities that make money or activities that contribute to self-improvements). Whilst there is space for those activities in a balanced, healthy adult lifestyle, if we constantly focus on objectively productive or useful outcomes, we leave little room for our happy child to do something purely because it’s enjoyable. Try things like art for no purpose other than enjoying how it feels to be creative, or building lego and connecting to the joyfulness it evokes.
Be mindful of your inner critic modes emerging.
If an internal voice starts to label actions as “silly” or a “waste of time”, there’s a good chance your happy child will feel judged and as such, will be harder to access in future. Instead, we can identify this critical voice as echoing an old message from the past, not a current truth, and see if we can visualise banishing it out of the room and away from our happy child. This might look like telling your critic “I don’t agree with you, and I don’t need you here right now”. We need to protect your happy child here.
Start smaller than feels necessary.
Your happy child might be more accessible than you think. See if you can spend five minutes of behavioural self-care (putting on your favourite song, doodling, creative writing, go to a playground and sit on a swing, try a new ice cream flavour, build a cozy blanket fort, talk to a pet in a silly voice). Start with the behaviour, and see if the emotional safety is there to welcome the authentic happy child in.
How to know if the Happy Child Mode is present
Something as simple as checking in with your gut feeling can help. Ask yourself: does this activity feel like something I am doing for a result, or something I am allowing myself to do because it brings joy? The latter likely points to a small hint of the happy child surfacing, even if it’s only momentary.
Over time, we can build self-trust and familiarity with this side of ourselves. As we intentionally practice sitting with our happy child mode, the easier it will become to recognise when we have drifted far from it, and in turn, the easier it will become to find our way back home to it.
If accessing your happy child mode feels consistently difficult, it is worth exploring with a therapist trained in schema therapy, as an ongoing block can signify old patterns getting in the way. Please feel free to book a fifteen minute free consult with Lauren from The Felt Sense to get this process started, and to learn more about schema therapy.
