What is an inner critic? A Schema Therapy Look at ADHD, Autism, and Self Criticism
The inner critic is a part of our inner dialogue that jumps in with judgment before we have time to pause and reflect. Generally, it is quick to point out what we did wrong, with some form of self-criticism and shame attached. It can feel like an automatic response when an error happens, and can feel incredibly convincing and truthful. But what if we were to consider the fact that it isn’t actually our voice we are hearing inside? Most inner critics are developed over years of exposure to harsh messages in our environment. Parents, teachers, peers, the media, or a wider culture may have set the tone for what an acceptable person looks like, with judgements on individuals that don’t meet this criteria. In a capitalist society, this is particularly prevalent with regard to perceived worth being tied to productivity. As such, our inner critic may not necessarily belong to us, and instead is an amalgamation of our harsh experiences shaped by others.
It’s worth mentioning that the inner critic is not a personality flaw or a sign of some kind of personal deficit. It can emerge as coping tool in attempt to protect us from criticism, rejection or failure by getting there first and feeling in control, particularly if we have grown up in rigid environments with high standards. For neurodivergent people, there tend to be a lot more early life experiences of judgement or correction. This is especially true for late diagnosed individuals. For example:
Being called dramatic/attention seeking after a meltdown that followed hours of masking discomfort at a family function.
Being compared unfairly to a neurotypical sibling who found the same routines/transitions easy.
Missing sarcasm or a joke and being ridiculed for not understanding.
Losing homework, keys or school supplies and repeatedly absorbing “careless” or “hopeless” as personality traits.
Getting in trouble for being repeatedly late, when time blindness made punctuality difficult.
Getting in trouble for correcting a teacher’s factual error in front of the class. Whilst intended to be helpful, this may have been labelled as disrespectful or arrogant.
Each correction contributes to the internalisation of the message that our natural way of experiencing the world needs constant editing or monitoring. Years of ongoing, seemingly small corrections then eventually harden into an internal critical voice that continues to harshly scrutinise the self, even in the absence of scrutiny from others. From a Schema Therapy perspective, this critic can take many forms, creating a committee of critics with distinct voices that tend to show up in different situations.
The Punitive Critic
This is a voice that not only points out mistakes, but also makes us feel like we deserve to suffer as a result. It is harsh, and often disproportionate. It may call us nasty names, and speaks in absolutes and extreme judgements.
In schema therapy, this is often traced back to what's called the punitive critic mode, which is often a blend of critical remarks from others throughout our life, internalised, and then directed back at the self. For a lot of neurodivergent people, this voice gets an enormous amount of fuel from childhood, as we may have been labelled as too sensitive, lazy, socially awkward or intense for simply existing. We may have been punished for our emotions in the setting of sensory overload that nobody understood, or told off for "not listening" when the real issue was an auditory processing difference nobody had identified yet.
Fast forward to adulthood, and the shame associated with these experiences remains. We might have missed a colleague’s sarcasm in a work meeting, responding literally, and now our punitive critic insists that we are stupid, defective or socially incapable. Similarly, we might have snapped at a friend or partner after experiencing sensory overload, and our critic declares that we are a terrible person and we don’t deserve human connection. This can be a mode associated with a Defectiveness/Shame schema, Social Isolation schema or Self-Punitiveness schema.
Left to its own devices, our punitive critic is generally not adaptive, and can perpetuate intense shame, self loathing and urges for self-punishment or self-harm.
The Demanding Critic
This voice sounds a little different to the punitive critic, and is less about overt self-punishment and more about pressure. With regard to a task/goal, it posits that whatever you have already done is never enough. It may discourage rest, conflating it with laziness, failure or something that has not been earned. The Demanding Critic is often a perpetuating factor for the Unrelenting Standards schema. This can make ordinary achievements feel hollow, since there is always yet another bar to clear, or another task to do (e.g., academic/career achievements, appearance, fitness, social).
For neurodivergent people, this critic is often a direct product of masking. If you have spent years working twice as hard just to make tasks that are highly effortful (like keeping track of time or filtering out background noise in an open plan office) look effortless from the outside, it is easy to end up with an internal standard that codes anything less than flawless as a failure. A lot of late diagnosed autistic and ADHD adults describe this exact voice. That is, the voice that spent decades compensating so well that even they believed that they weren’t neurodivergent, and now cannot allow themselves off the hook, even with a diagnosis.
This critic can be adaptive in sparking action or combatting procrastination, however, it requires appropriate limits and boundaries. Without boundaries, it can perpetuate shame, exhaustion and a lack of balance.
The Guilt Inducing Critic
This critic tries to convince you that other people’s needs are more important than yours. It may emerge whenever you consider putting yourself first, and it tends to frame your own needs as an inconvenience to those around you. It is closely tied to Self Sacrifice and Subjugation schemas, and it may insist that your needs are an imposition, and that keeping others comfortable is your job.
Many neurodivergent people acquire this voice early, often after years of being told, directly or indirectly, that their needs were too much or invalid. For example, needs such as more processing time before answering a question, more warning before plans change, noise cancelling headphones at a shopping centre/airport, or a full day of recovery after socialising. Each of these needs may be labelled by others as high maintenance or difficult. The guilt inducing critic absorbs these labels, assuming that we may be rejected or ostracised for voicing our needs, leading to people pleasing behaviours and suppressing our needs, sometimes to the point that we aren’t able to connect with what we need anymore. It is suggested that this critic may be heightened for people that identify with Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, as it may prompt action to avoid judgement from others and ensure that they view us as palatable and tolerable.
This critic assumes that you are responsible for the wellbeing of others around you, and that setting boundaries is selfish or bad. It is important, however, that we set boundaries with this critic. Our needs are not selfish or indulgent, and we have just as much a right as any other human to be heard and respected.
Why It Helps to Tell the Critics Apart
Once we can recognise which of these modes is activated, we can tailor our response accordingly. Each critic can be explored with curiosity and compassion, making space to hear its function. The goal is to foster a strong Healthy Adult mode that is able to appropriately set boundaries when our critics pipe up, advocating for balance, rest and gentleness. Our critics may have emerged to support safety, acceptance or survival inside environments that were not built with a neurodivergent nervous system in mind. Whilst we are often left with the legacy of unmet needs in the form of these coping modes, we can build agency and autonomy in the present day about how we respond to them, rather than allowing them to define how we see ourselves.
If any of these voices sound familiar, The Felt Sense offers trauma-informed, neuroaffirming counselling in Thornbury, Melbourne, and via telehealth Australia-wide, drawing on Schema Therapy and other approaches. Medicare rebates are available with a Mental Health Care Plan. You're welcome to book a free 15-minute chat to see if it feels like the right fit, or find out more at thefeltsense.com.au.
