Setting effective boundaries is not always a skill that we are fundamentally born with. Oftentimes we develop our understanding of boundaries early in life through observing how they are handled in our family of origin. For some people, boundaries can feel confusing, terrifying or even guilt inducing. If this resonates, read on to learn how boundaries are framed and supported in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy.
What is a boundary?
A boundary is the line between what you decide is okay/tolerable for you and what is not. This can be in the context of your time, body, energy, money, attention and/or your privacy. Typically, boundaries fall into three broad categories: porous, rigid and healthy boundaries. As humans, we can be flexible with our boundaries depending on the context, wherein we are not always locked into one particular category. For example, we may be more rigid with our time and energy at work, but struggle to uphold boundaries as a parent, resulting in more porous boundaries in this context. It can be useful to observe the situations in which our boundaries differ, as this can reflect something deeper about our communication styles, as will be discussed below.
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy is a type of therapy that maps directly onto the realm of boundary setting. In fact, it dedicates an entire branch to this exact work, titled Interpersonal Effectiveness. The core tenet underpinning this branch is that in any social interaction, we are managing three things simultaneously:
Our objective (i.e., what do we want to get out of the interaction with the other person?).
The relationship (i.e., how do we want the other person to feel about us after the interaction is over?).
Our sense of self-respect (i.e., how do we want to feel about ourselves after the interaction is over?).
Difficulties with boundaries typically stem from a misalignment between all three of these priorities.
Porous boundaries
“Porous” is a word that refers to something full of holes or spaces that allow things to easily pass through (think of something like a sponge). In a figurative sense, which is more closely aligned with the boundary context, we can think of a system that is easy to cross, or allows people to pass without restriction/difficulty. This can look like other people’s needs or expectations flowing straight into our priority list, whilst our own needs are diluted in the process.
Examples include things like:
Saying yes despite a gut instinct to say no.
Tolerating disrespect or mistreatment due to fears of retaliation, rejection or conflict for speaking up.
Feeling responsible for everyone else’s emotions.
From a DBT lens, porous boundaries suggest that the relationship with the other person is being prioritised, at the expense of our objectives and self-respect. Although in these circumstances we may keep the peace, we also sacrifice ourselves in the process.
According to DBT, certain underlying beliefs (called “myths” about interpersonal effectiveness), can perpetuate porous boundaries. For example:
Myth 1: If I ask for something, it means that I am weak
Myth 2: Saying no means that I am selfish or inconvenient to others
Myth 3: I cannot tolerate the rejection of someone saying no
When myths of this kind dominate our thoughts, they can feel like irrefutable facts. Truthfully, these thoughts are a product of intense emotions (and schemas) under the surface, and may reflect old wounds or fears. We might fear the thought of disappointing someone, wherein saying “yes” rather than “no” to something you don’t have capacity for feels like an automatic, learned response to stay emotionally safe.
Rigid boundaries
Rigid boundaries occupy the opposite end of the spectrum to porous boundaries, in that they reflect extremely strict, inflexible attitudes to boundaries. Much like a solid wall, rigid boundaries ensure that a minimal amount gets past us.
Examples include things like:
Guarding personal information closely.
Cutting people off easily/holding rules about relationships that result in ruptures with little room for repair.
Inflexibility towards compromise.
From a DBT lens, rigid boundaries reflect a prioritisation of self-respect whilst dismissing the importance of the relationship, or alternatively, seeing the relationship as a risk that is not worth taking. In this case, objectives also suffer, as a lot of what we might want/need to live a life worth living involves positive interactions with other people.
People with rigid boundaries may appear strong, overly-independent, self-sufficient or standoffish. Internally, however, they likely have a vulnerable child version of themselves that they are attempting to protect. Rigid boundaries can be protective for a person that has experienced exploitation, abuse or other adversity in their life. However, this protection is often imbalanced and at the cost of corrective, healing experiences that we can get through safe, close relationships with others.
Healthy boundaries
Healthy boundaries reflect a sense of wise flexibility, and can be likened to a fence with a gate. We get to decide when to open the gate, and who we let in. In this state, we do not let others bulldoze the fence (like porous boundaries), nor do we barricade the gate (like rigid boundaries). Instead, we have a strong sense of self, wherein we understand our values, and can advocate for our needs, even in the face of disagreement/conflict with others. Much like assertive communication, healthy boundaries balance emotions with logic, which is often termed the “wise mind”. It is here that we can balance objectives, self-respect and relationships with others. DBT takes this one step further, by providing tangible skills (in the form of acronyms) for managing these competing priorities:
Achieving Objective Effectiveness:
DEARMAN skill
Describe the situation.
Express how you feel about it.
Assert your needs/wants.
Reinforce why this is worthwhile and/or consequences if not considered.
Mindfulness of goals should the other person divert away from the topic.
Appear confident in the process.
Negotiate if required to reach a compromise.
Staying clear on our boundaries can be supported by the structure of DEARMAN, because it is designed to keep us on track during tricky negotiations.
Achieving Relationship Effectiveness:
GIVE skill
be Gentle
act Interested
Validate that you understand the other person’s perspective (even if you don’t agree).
Easy manner
Boundaries can feel more accessible and land more gently when the other person feels respected and heard.
Achieving Self-Respect Effectiveness:
FAST skill
be Fair to yourself (and to the other person).
no unnecessary Apologies.
Stick to your values.
be Truthful.
FAST is a particularly useful skill for porous boundaries, as it helps build assertiveness and rewire the engrained belief that we must overapologise/exaggerate/make excuses to make a “no” more palatable.
Another important part of DBT is that it prompts us to consider how intensely to ask or say no, instead of viewing the interaction as all or nothing. This can help us to judge how we structure our boundaries based on the situation, our relationship with the other person, and what our rights are.
Guilt about boundaries
Importantly, we can set completely reasonable boundaries AND still feel guilty. This can feel contradictory, as we might expect that setting a boundary should objectively feel good or right. DBT helps to debunk this by making space for two seemingly opposite ideas at once. This is called a “dialectic” or “dialectical thinking”, and is a key in building psychological flexibility.
Additionally, guilt is a useful emotion when we have violated our own values. However, it becomes enormously less useful when it pipes up purely because we did something unfamiliar. When setting a boundary, it can be helpful to ask ourselves what we think we did wrong. If our answer lands on nothing major, we may be able to gently reframe our thinking, seeing our guilt as a false alarm rather than a verdict. This is also a good opportunity to practice the DBT skill called “opposite action”, which would involve maintaining the boundary rather than giving in to the urge to undo it.
Getting better at setting boundaries
It can be helpful to start small, and with low stakes situations, to improve our tolerance for boundary setting.
For porous boundaries, we can remind ourselves that our response doesn’t have to be urgent, and that we can buy ourselves time. "Let me check and get back to you" is a reasonable answer, as it creates a gap between the trigger and the automatic yes. It is within this gap that we have the opportunity to practice wise, dialectical thinking. We can then use DEAR MAN, where we can practice writing out a response should we need to. Many people can struggle to verbalise boundaries and be assertive under pressure, which is one of the primary reasons why the acronym works so well.
For rigid boundaries, we can start to run low-risk experiments. For example, we might share one slightly personal thing with someone who has earned our trust. Similarly, we might ask ourselves what we stand to lose should we allow ourselves to compromise. Is it control? Is it safety?
Again, dialectical thinking can be helpful for bridging the gap between porous/rigid boundaries and healthy boundaries. It is possible to love someone AND decline a catchup because you’re busy, or have self-respect AND agree to a reasonable compromise. It is here that we can swap the word “but” with “and”, which changes not only how they land for us, but for the other person too.
In some instances where we are modifying the way we approach boundaries, we can expect some pushback from others. People who benefited from our porous boundaries may not readily welcome us setting limits. Their reaction provides useful information about the relationship, and is not automatically a reflection on the fairness or validity of your boundary.
When to reach out
If you want to get better at setting boundaries, we would love to hear from you. Get in touch with The Felt Sense Counselling to book a free 15 minute consultation. We are taking on new clients in Melbourne, with no waiting list and immediate availability for EMDR and DBT.
